If my mind was a pub counter meal, my crazy would be the limp little salad, not the huge hunk of schnitzel…
When I was about 7 or 8, I remember a morning before school where something was going on at home. I don’t recall the problem, or the words exchanged between my parents but I do remember the feeling of being marched to the front door and sent to school with a swift smack on the bum.
Perhaps my upset state activated my imagination, but this was also the morning I was followed to school. In hindsight, the old man who was smiling at me, driving too close to the curb for too long, could’ve been searching for friend’s place but at that time, in my little burdened mind, he was chasing me and so I ran all the way to school arriving late, wet and completely exhausted.
Looking back, I isolate that experience as one that instigated my struggle with anxiety. I’m not aware of the medical diagnoses for anxiety or paranoia but I do have my own definition and I know exactly what it feels like.
It is the belief that something bad will inevitably happen and trusting my gut, is not enough.
It is the idea that sharing my inner thoughts will leave me open to critique, ridicule.
It is the notion that people don’t really want the best for me, they don’t really care.
It is the angst I feel, when in my heart of hearts, I love those close to me with everything I can muster, but I keep them at a comfortable distance, just in case.
A working example:
Today I sent my son to vacation care – a trip to the movies. My mind raced ahead and I made Mr Robo take a photograph of him in his tracksuit, just in case.
And another:
I’m on the train right now and although the woman next to me is looking out the window to her left, I’m convinced she’s sneaking glances at my screen, to her right. I’ve contorted my body to the point of discomfort, just in case.
The negativity that plagues my mind at times, is excruciating. It’s irrational, unjustified.
But with my kind of crazy, I have, thankfully, developed a heightened awareness. I know my absurdities and I am aware that they are groundless. I just need some time, to remember that everything will be OK.
So this is why my blog remains anonymous.
My blog is my space.
I don’t blog often. But if I feel like sharing, it is unmeasured, unrestrained.
But I wonder, is sharing nameless and faceless actually sharing?
Is your blog anonymous? Were you apprehensive about revealing your identity?
Let me know of any cool anon blogs you might’ve come across.
Love,
Robo X
RoboMum 
April 17th, 2014 at 20:51
I think your blog is yours to blog how you choose! There are times when I wish I had blogged anonymously as there are things I want to say that I don’t for fear of ridicule or criticism by those that know me in my real world! 😦
April 17th, 2014 at 20:51
That’s a great little saying. I do know what you mean. Maybe those are the posts you can write but you don’t click post… Thanks for stopping in. X
April 17th, 2014 at 20:51
Gosh that all sounds so hauntingly familiar Robo. I have my own brand of crazy too – I do blog about some of it, but probably not as openly as I could / should because I am not anon. Also because openness is part of my anxiety issues! Yep … my own little brand of crazy! 🙂
You have to blog however works for you & for what it’s worth I think you do it so very well!
May 17th, 2014 at 20:51
We’re all a little fruity aren’t we 😉 Thanks for stopping in. X
April 17th, 2014 at 20:51
Sometimes I wish I’d blogged anonymously because my Mum is the main person who reads it and it upsets her if I write about any struggles I’m having, so I just keep it light and humorous and write the darker stuff in a private journal. Which probably spares everyone all my angst and sooking so it’s probably a good thing. I think anxiety is extremely common and for what it’s worth you are certainly not alone. And now I feel like schnitzel. It always comes back to food with me. Ahem…
May 17th, 2014 at 20:51
Hehe. Schnitel… I’d hate for my mum to see my blog. I’m cringing just thinking about it. X
April 18th, 2014 at 20:51
Well my belief with blogs should be that you aren’t anonymous because you want to build a community to inspire readers with your message and so your readers can relate to you. But having said that, blog how you want to blog. If being anonymous is the only way you can blog then do it but one day you may find you have the courage to reveal yourself to your readers. At the end of the day there is no right or wrong way to blog. The risk of being so exposed online with my blog does concern me but so far revealing myself online hasn’t had any negative drawbacks, but all positive and I’ve been able to build some amazing relationships online. I’m sorry to hear about your anxiety and I hope you will be able to overcome it. Anxiety can be a prison at times. X
May 17th, 2014 at 20:51
I’m glad your experience has been positive. Hearing what some other bloggers have been through was a huge deterent for me to be public – especially as a HS teacher. I’m lucky – I’ve met many bloggers in real life at a few places so I feel a great sense of community.
April 18th, 2014 at 20:51
An interesting post. As a fairly new and inept blogger, I stumble my way through it all (using real name), regularly plagued by self-doubt and wondering why I am even blogging. But I do enjoy reading the variety of great posts I’m discovering, and I think ‘enjoy’ is the key word here.
.
Regarding your ‘crazy’ – your post reveals a lot of self-knowledge and insight so I’m pretty sure that your ‘paranoia and angst’ are within the range of normal (whatever normal is…I think normal is boring anyway!)
In answer to your question, sharing anonymously seems an oxymoron but in a way – a good way – you are still sharing – your thoughts and feelings, snippets of life and experience that are valuable and meaningful.
(Sorry about the essay-comment 🙂 )
May 17th, 2014 at 20:51
I love essay comments 😉 As per my reply above, I’ve met so many bloggers in real life, I do feel as though I am part of a community – especially the Sydney blogging community.
I feel that blogging is about what you want to do – no major rules So many bloggers I read have taken stock and pulled back at times, for a number of different reasons – mainly to do with feelings of over-sharing. I agree with you that it sounds like an oxymoron, but in my case, I feel that I am able to share more anonymously than I ever could if I used my name.
I think normal is boring too, by the way! Thanks for stopping by and sorry for the delayed reply. Best of luck on your blogging journey. X
April 18th, 2014 at 20:51
Oh man, Robo…I could relate to all of those 4 feelings you listed. My anxiety was particularly bad over the past 2 weeks. It’s such a bitch that I can now detect it, identify it but still can’t fully control it.
Anonymous or not, I still think it’s sharing. What’s most important is what you’re comfortable with.
I don’t like it when people write anonymously but you kind of question how sincere their actually being. But your writing – always heartfelt. (And besides, I’ve met you IRL anyway :)) xxx
May 17th, 2014 at 20:51
You rock G! X
April 18th, 2014 at 20:51
I have never been anonymous on my blog. however I dont use my kids names.
May 17th, 2014 at 20:51
So many people do – seems like a good idea.
April 18th, 2014 at 20:51
Sounds very normal – dare I say sensible. I’m careful not to give too much of my identity away. I fear that my blog is going to bite me on the bum in the future – eg: potential employers may not want to hire me after reading my inappropriate, sexist but nonetheless entertaining comments about hawt men.
In your case, given that you are a school teacher you are very wise to stay anon. It in no way detracts from the quality of the writing.
May 17th, 2014 at 20:51
LOL! If the interviewer is a fellow hornbag you’ll be in like Flynn! X
April 19th, 2014 at 20:51
I find the time to blog when my youngest naps and in the evenings when they are all safely in the land of nod. Never been anon I must admit…I hope the kids will enjoy my blog when they are old enough. Recording their lives etc. #FYBF
May 17th, 2014 at 20:51
Sharing with the kids is a great thought. I do worry about what poors out of my brain sometimes. Poor kids:;)